I am an artist and am not trained or experienced in anything you are so passionately writing about. But what I saw in your words and was trying to reach out to share, but obviously completely failed (and sincerely hope this doesn't fail even worse), was this-- 

Sometimes wild flowers grow in empty urban lots or alongside the road where they are trampled by people, subject to hot sun without water, completely iced over in winter, routinely sprayed with herbicides, and their beauty and purpose is rarely appreciated-- they are often amazingly resilient and keep growing, but not always. Some of the exact same flowers (I am thinking of Queen Anne's lace and those orange daisies) are raised in nurseries to be purchased by gardeners who will take them home to plant in a carefully prepared space and to faithfully nurture and water them, and to admire them, maybe even cutting sprigs for bouquets. Or, a bad gardener could purchase them so they are back to fighting for survival, like the urban plants. Which environment a plant ends up in and how it is treated obviously has a huge impact on how it thrives, but it doesn't have anything to do with the worth of the plant or what it deserved (as far as I know.)

________________________________________
From: tree of knowledge system discussion [[log in to unmask]] on behalf of Jamie D [[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2020 10:25 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Anyone studying these topics? (Learning)

Is it not evident in my writing that I'm looking to fix something in myself? I'm not fully understanding your grammar. Can you elaborate? (I'm expecting this to be another episode of culture shock, or, like a clash of cultures, total confusion and misunderstanding, ego's reved up only to fall)

By rage against false love, I mean don't be true to those false to me, don't give any chances to liars, ditch fake friends, have higher standards than I've known, and trust instincts I've never had a chance to use. Having never been outside myself, the territory is new to me.

Would you expect a motherless child to be faithful to anyone as it would it's mother, at the age of four?... or think new caregivers justified in anger if the child is slightly witheld? Seeing anger at its fear, the child wraps itself up in a hell of terror, and sears its behavior along whatever behavior brings acceptance, adhering to norms militarily, then later questioning them when nothing works......

All the while in its development, unwritten, unspoken norms dictate contempt, deny respect, and for what? What is so offensive about being polite? About good behavior?

By normative appearances, an adopted child should believe that it's loved, connected, so it goes through the motions, dances the dance, shows "gratitude"... But it was never real, never felt, and the family went along with the lie that the 4 year old allowed itself to hope might come true...

The crime committed must have been failure to do something not a human being knows - not following through with a love unknown by the intellect, hidden in some random momentary permutation?

I suppose the separation of feelings and actions is part of the problem, because it appeared I could control myself, with the energy dwindling... Until I became an heroin addict!

What wears one down is known by nobody. But eventually, it's like one is forced to commit a real crime by some earlier unseen crime within. (in my experience, that's a vital truth not well known: that the real crime was committed well before its manifestation, which is almost like a punishment on the person.)

What does God, or anyone, expect of a four year old? I don't ask this to justify myself, or judge anyone else, but all of this, all of my reputation-destroying transparency, is solely to use my experience, as a window into a source of solutions unknown by our culture..... And that, perhaps, is what I've always been trying to do.

In God's eyes, children are fully responsible, apparently. More children have died than anyone, from what I've learned of evolution.

Ig my tone sounds bitter, then so be it. But in mind, in focus, I'm all ears, surrendering and committing to whatever humility will bring forth clarity. And like a dead horse, I absorb blows of judgement I know aren't true and must continue to resist believing them.

Nothing in science, nothing in religion, no phenomena whatsoever told the simple truth that healthy children are allowed to safely develop amongst. And now, tangled up in a complex of maladapted triggers and cues, having heard insinuated judgements for the trillionth time, but never brought fully forward,... I don't know.

Fear leads to hate, yes. And hate is painful and pointless.


On Thu, May 28, 2020, 5:56 PM Diop, Corinne Joan Martin - diopcj <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:
Jamie,

That is one helluva PS!!

False love is a problem within the lover, doesn't have anything AT ALL to do with you?

Corinne




________________________________________
From: tree of knowledge system discussion [[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>] on behalf of Jamie D [[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>]
Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2020 8:48 PM
To: [log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Re: Anyone studying these topics? (Learning)

One shouldn't have to force their self. Eventually they'll drain. If part of the mind is a tyrant, it's perhaps related to another part that's a slave to something, and the self is therefore divided in purpose.

I've been watching a lot of Motivational YouTube videos, which have kernals of wisdom, one of which being: "Know your Why" and "if your why doesn't make you cry, that's not it".

Rather, one must be drawn, by freeing up their natural interest, releasing attachments. And the best way I've found to do that is saying things out loud. If part of the mind is a slave to something, fix it by saying something.

In order to be drawn, you might have to grind first, and then the hook comes... That's how it usually is for me.

It shouldn't be hard at all for me to learn all that, not at all. I have a pension and all the freedom I need.

What I lack is community.

A few things nag at my attention, unfinished business dragging me down, in which case, I pay close attention to what's exactly the problem is, and write incessantly, and reviewing my writing on occasion.

-Jamie

PS - The rest of this is me thinking about what's been dragging me down,.... I wonder if all of it could be simply bluffed away, simply denied out of existence among new peers, and I can practice assuming new beliefs... or if something is still missing. I've been butchering my reputation for any kernal I might find, which I see as being open and vulnerable, falling on the sword.... But some barely discernable signal, only decided upon this very moment, convinces me that's my choice, and that it's still possible to step forward completely, but obviously the intellect can't be the guide, the choice must be made with one's entire being? Now we're getting into woo-woo or beyond culture. Does everyone's entire wellbeing depend on factors beyond normative understanding, in everyday relationships?

My new mantra is "rage against false love", because I'm still in the process of freeing myself from mistakes learned in childhood, where I learned it wasn't safe to be truthful.

And we can now rest upon the acceptance that it's not.

I remain, for now, unacceptably insecure by society's standards, and combing through stoic wisdom to various forms of therapy have yet to provide the honest confidence that survival demands. I have impeccable confidence in what I do know, what I don't, as well as the difference, but it's the "unknown-unknown" that others seem to know, but can't or won't articulate.

People see my dependence on honesty, and can't help but play and poke... to my death if it comes to it, even still meandering in that trajectory. Perhaps I'm a threat, and it's only that others fear the light in me revealing their use of the dark. They'd rather it be impossible to win honestly. Not entirely.

From another angle, there must be something totally natural in contempt towards those not given security as children. It's like a law of nature. I can't find any power in being hostile, nor can I find any power in being a victim, and the mad self absorption trying to find the solution alienates those who would be friends.

"the more elusive the problem, the more painfully obvious the solution. You just have to be willing to see it" - Jack Rackam from Black Sails

Who the hell has a right to be secure in themselves anyway?

... Obviously a baby should.

If the self is relational, such security can only be formed by security with peers. How does one be self responsible, and fix a relational problem solo?

Note: the happiest person in the frame is always dominant, which would mean that (mythological) the top of the hierarchy is nothing more than honesty, everyone below having been untrue in some way. If a baby is at the top of the hierarchy, is life is a test of staying there?

A friend said that I didn't seem to love myself, but what he really saw was a subconscious certainty that others don't love me as I am, or that I'm stuck solo, that I have to maintain an iron grip on my behavior to survive, not offend, keep integrity, be perfect, agonizingly and impotently "good" until I break or twindle down to nothing. And the confusion of which evil I should knowingly choose to be a healthier person is a sick thing to consider.

And to hear people insinuate low self esteem, or lacking self love, is to hear endlessly that nobody has gotten outside theirself to see the dimensions through which people can change.

I don't know what love really looks like, and having never seen it, don't know what to change...except get more and more articulate, keeping me in control.



On Thu, May 28, 2020, 1:58 PM Chance McDermott <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]><mailto:[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>>> wrote:
Jamie,

What things have you noticed about the "forcing yourself/not forcing yourself" situation that happens when many folks get involved in personal augmentation?

Ideally augmentation feels flowy and fun, which can be elusive when we codify something into a routine.

Powerful stuff you're imagining,

-Chance

On Thu, May 28, 2020 at 3:05 PM Jamie D <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]><mailto:[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>>> wrote:
Apologies, Gregg, if this breaks the rules. I forgot where to find rules.

I'm wondering if anyone is studying the following

*Data science and machine learning - jupiter, numpy, python
*Python general programing
*JavaScript general
*Node-Express (and in my case PostgreSQL, for an app I've been writing about for years)

I'm also working with my Muse headband to measure frontal asymmetry, since I've just learned that's a good measure of valence.

Ideally, I'd also fit in my day a few pomodoro's of these topics:
-Neuroscience
-Statistics, linear algebra
-Physics and information theory

I dream of a military-style community for personal augmentation, based on the psychology of learning, creativity, effective group intelligence, health, fitness, and always staying up to date and flexible with new discoveries.

By myself, especially during quarantine in SF, I've been having a hard time finding people who care about these.

So far I found one person to meet and study from 3-6pm, just Node, and I'm posting around to find the right people to form a learning group, where we use our commitments to showing up to support the routine.

The way I see it, everything we need to learn is online, and all schools offer is community support (with a ton of drag) so if people could decide what they want to learn, and they understood the psychology of learning, they could optimize their own routine.

I'll list some useful learning principles:

1) goldilocks zone - not too hard nor boring, but just right for exponential progress towards mastery. Anyone can learn anything, but might have a more narrow goldilocks zone for learning quantum physics, easier to slip off.

2) focus vs diffuse learning (ideally, switch back and forth as optimally as possible. Don't neglect either - Best ideas come in diffuse, but long term memory of abstract concepts comes from deep focus and recall)

3) Anki forgetting curve - recall, recall, recall, just when about to forget, and soon remember forever.

4) fluid vs crystallized intelligence - fluid is like working memory, can only be increased via exercise and rest, whereas crystallized intelligence is what combines, recombines exponentially as the basis of cultural evolution and subject mastery.

5) the bottom line - you don't know shit unless you can teach, create, or do, and these should be the way you recall.

Please let me know if I missed anything crucial.

Jamie
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