A response a pregnant friend of mine routinely gave to the question, Do you know whether it's a boy or a girl?  "Yes, definitely; the ultrasound ruled out kittens."
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From: Feminist ethics and social theory [[log in to unmask]] on behalf of Segebarth, Marsha [[log in to unmask]]
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2014 6:54 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: A question I'm pondering

Joan, I really think it goes back to what Eileen said - the general public does not distinguish between male and masculine or female and feminine.  They use gender and sex interchangeably.  I also do not believe they use the 'gender reveal' for as discriminatory reasons as you might think.

I remember when we started having children- before ultrasounds were used routinely to determine sex.  With our younger children we were told the sex - through ultrasounds- almost whether we wanted to know or not!  Like another responder, I really did not care and our home encouraged whatever the child chose as far as gender, at least in the early years when we had more control before society pushed stereotypical roles on then.  I think the gender reveal parties are an offshoot of the routine sex ultrasounds done today. Marsha

Dr. Marsha L. Segebarth
Biology Department
University Southern Indiana

On May 14, 2014, at 5:09 PM, "NOELLE MCAFEE" <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:

I agree that this isn’t the worst news of the day, but I do take heart that (and actually sympathize with) a good number of the parents throwing these parties (who) will, in about 13 years, find their children chastising them for assuming that one’s biological parts have anything to do with what gender they will identify with.  My second born who just turned 14 insists the I refer to “them” by  a gender-neutral pronoun, even if grammatically incorrect.  And she — oops, they —  gives me a hard time whenever I assume someone’s gender.  This child insists that such assumptions are sexist — including mine whenever I trip up and assume that a female friend is a girl.  (Is “girl” a gendered term????)  So, this child is teaching me a lot!  I’m not sure how far to go along the path that this child has set, but I am trying to keep an open mind.

What our children will put us through… and teach us….  Thanks, Joan, for starting this thread.

Noelle

On May 14, 2014, at 4:20 PM, Joan Callahan <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:

Oh, Christine.  What a wonderful first-hand account!  Let me just mention that our son, David, found out pretty quickly in first grade that he had to give up his preference for pink tee shirts and a "rat tail" (which he had insisted on having -- his hero, Uncle Mark, had one) because of being relentlessly hassled by other boys on the school bus.

I do applaud you for wrangling the gift givers into gender-neutral gifts as far as you were able.  Not easy.

That your daughter prefers pink is just great -- because she has not been told to identify with that.

Be sure, though, to teach her how to use power tools.......

Joan




On Wed, May 14, 2014 at 4:09 PM, Metzo, Christine R. <[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>> wrote:
Eileen’s comments here are along the lines of what I’ve noticed.  I knew my baby’s sex, but we did not reveal.   I only found out because her older sisters wanted to know, and I wanted to honor that.  But I had been content to just prepare for a baby who I hoped would be healthy and grow up to be its best self, whatever that was. I was actually disappointed after the reveal, because I felt like it settled something I wasn’t ready to have settled.   What I found interesting was that when folks asked, they wanted to know in order to buy gender specific gifts.  But I didn’t want that, so it strengthened my resolve to not share.  Eventually, I stopped mentioning that even I knew, because some of the conversations verged on badgering, really (I wish I could remember a specific one for you, Joan, but it’s really just the reaction of feeling badgered that I remember with some clarity now).  However, I also found, for those few months when I got the question over and over, as a feminist and about-to-be-mother, I had a window of time and a platform to gently educate family and friends about all the subtle messages we send children and ourselves when talking about and around children, and asked them to think about how rigid our coding is for ‘girl things’ and ‘boy things’…   And I wanted my baby to feel like the world could be hers.  All of it.  And I think people got it (through their haze of disappointment that I limited their shopping to the paucity of what was perceived as acceptably gender neutral).

Frances is right, though, that this is hardly a crisis on the scale of other things children face.  But nevertheless, I find the mundaneness of the exercise and the question and the expectations that new parents want to know in the first place (when in fact, I actually didn’t really care myself, beyond a tiny bit of curiosity); I find all of that to be an important cultural trope.  It certainly does speak to the performative!

Christine

P.S. Ironically, my daughter LOVES pink and princesses and fairies.  But I take comfort that she also asked for a pirate ship for Christmas, blue is her second favorite color (and on some days surpasses pink in favor) and enjoys playing with a bow and arrow (thanks, Pixar, for Merida!).   When people point out to me that “well, see, Christine, despite you trying to prevent it, she loves pink,” I can genuinely say that she’s way more than that and that window of gender educating seems to open up again. Dividends, I guess.

Dr. Christine Metzo
Director of Academic Initiatives
Adjunct Faculty, Women's Studies and Philosophy
St. Cloud State University
720 Fourth Avenue South
St. Cloud MN 56301-4498
[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>
320.308.5299<tel:320.308.5299>


From: Feminist ethics and social theory [mailto:[log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>] On Behalf Of E. Hunt Botting
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2014 1:58 PM
To: [log in to unmask]<mailto:[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Re: A question I'm pondering

Joan,

The first thing I would say is, how can you have a "gender reveal" party when, technically, the fetus cannot "have" a gender except in the extremely abstract sense that people project their conception of gender upon it? It is true that the fetus has a sex (male, female, intersex, or perhaps some other biological possibilities we haven't yet scientifically categorized).  A baby born into the world has a gender (feminine, masculine, trans, etc.) because the baby inhabits a social context in which s/he is assigned a gender, which s/he then performs.
Generally, I find that regular (non-academic) people tend to use the words "gender" and "sex" interchangeably, but use "gender" when they wish to sound politically correct.  The irony with the "gender reveal" party is that using the word "gender" is actually more offensive and discouraging to those of us who theorize the importance of ethical rhetoric regarding gender roles.
Technically, this event should be called a "sex reveal" party but probably that would encourage the wrong ideas about what gifts to bring.

All best, Eileen Hunt Botting





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