Miriam Martineau has a number of good resources on integral parenting 

On Sat, Apr 9, 2022 at 11:10 AM Aydan Connor <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
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Thank you so much, everyone! I had a strong suspicion that this would be a good question for this listserv, and I really appreciate the range of materials recommended here. 

Gregg, as usual, your UTOK view strikes me as intuitive as I read it, interesting and salient. Thank you for taking the time to summarize these concepts here!

Lee/Gregg, I have only had a chance to watch part of the presentations by Darcia Narvaez, but it has been really compelling so far.

Brad and Ken, I look forward to looking into the materials you’ve produced!

Ali, this list is great—it’s a great feeling to suddenly have enough options that I can afford to be choosy :). Also, I just signed up for dailydad. I appreciate your mentioning the parenting relationship, it makes a lot of sense to me that this would be the case. Seeing my son over time, it seems clear that he’s an emotional sponge, and picks up on the energies in his environment without having to know what’s going on propositionally.

I recently went down to part time at work so I could help more days with childcare. This transition has presented me with a sense that I personally needed to ground my parenting conceptually and to gather more tools to continue to form an environment and dynamic that affords his development. 

He’s complexifying as a person so rapidly, which is this amazing thing to witness day by day, but also, as a parent, I experience as this underlying urgency, like I’m steering the aim of this slingshot before it let’s loose in a general lifetime trajectory. The last thing I wanted was to steer things in a poorly advised direction, so I hope my gratitude shines through.


Cheers!
Aydan

On Fri, Apr 8, 2022 at 23:44 Alexis Kenny <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
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Aydan,

I've compiled a list of recommended books from various professional, psychological spaces (including this listserv):
    • And Baby Makes Three: The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives by John Gottman, PhD & Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD
    • Between Parent and Child by Haim G. Ginott, PhD 
    • Brain-Based Parenting: The Neuroscience of Caregiving for Healthy Attachment by Daniel A. Hughes and Jonathan Baylin 
    • How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do Today for Children Ages 2-5 to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Success by Tovah P. Klein, PhD
    • Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans by Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD
    • Now Say This: The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma by Heather Turgeon, MFT & Julie Wright, MFT
    • Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Laura Markham, PhD
    • Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel, MD
    • Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety by John Duffy, PhD
    • Playful Parenting: An Exciting New Approach to Raising Children That Will Help You Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Confidence by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD
    • Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, EdD
    • Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child's Emotions and Solving Family Problems by Ken Barish, PhD
    • Raising a Secure Child by Kent Hoffman, Glenn Cooper, and Bert Powell
    • The Attachment Connection: Parenting a Secure and Confident Child Using the Science of Attachment Theory by Ruth P. Newton, PhD and Allan Schore, PhD
    • The Boy Who Was Raised By A Dog by Bruce D. Perry, MD, PhD, & Maia Szalavitz The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine, PhD
    • The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey
    • The Good Enough Child: How to Have an Imperfect Family and Be Perfectly Satisfied by Brad E. Sachs, PhD
    • The Good Enough Teen: Raising Adolescents with Love and Acceptance by Brad E. Sachs, PhD
    • The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman, PhD
    • The Kindness Advantage: Cultivating Compassionate and Connected Children by Dale Atkins, PhD and Amanda Salzhauer, MSW
    • Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine by Michele Borba, EdD
    • UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World by Michele Borba, EdD
    • Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science (and What I ve Learned So Far) by Tracy Cutchlow
    • 1-2-3 Magic: 3-Step Discipline for Calm, Effective, and Happy Parenting by Thomas W. Phalen, PhD
    • 8 Keys to Old School Parenting for Modern Day Families by Michael Mascolo, PhD
I've really enjoyed the following resources as a parent of a now preschooler:

- Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J. Siegel, MD (transformed how I helped my kiddo process bigger / scarier events)
- https://dailydad.com (not a dad but still enjoy this one : )) 
- https://www.babycenter.com (more mainstream but pretty darn balanced and helpful. I signed up for their emails when my daughter was just a "grape" and I still get an email from them once every few weeks that addresses salient growing up transitions)
- https://www.youtube.com/c/ChildrenandScreens (a VERY relevant aspect of parenting)

And I will say (wondering if other child / family psychologists would agree), that problems associated with children often arise out of concerns / issues / failures within the parenting relationship. So maybe we need to share some couple resources here : ) Definitely NOT assuming this about your situation, Aydan. Just an observation from limited clinical work and some research! 

Thanks for inquiring about this topic! I find it very meaningful!

Warmly,

Ali

El jue, 7 abr 2022 a la(s) 15:02, Kenneth Barish ([log in to unmask]) escribió:
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Aydan,

I have written a book for parents, although not specifically about toddlers, that you may find helpful.  My book is Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems.

Mike Mascolo has also written a a very good parenting book; we had a conversation about parenting a while back on this listserv.

For books about toddlers, Tovah Klein is an expert.  Her book is How Toddlers Thrive.

Zero to Five by Tracey Cutchlow is also very good.

I do not recommend Alfie Kohn’s books. I have some significant disagreements with Kohn’s advice to parents.  Much of Kohn’s thinking and advice is sound, but one of his core ideas - that children are “punished by rewards,” including praise, and become “praise junkies” -  is, in my opinion, based on false reasoning and a misunderstanding of children.  (I discuss this in a blogpost on my website.)


Ken Barish


On Apr 7, 2022, at 4:22 PM, Brad Kershner <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

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Love your answer Gregg! Very clear. 

Aydan, I have given some talks about education and parenting, which reference many books I've found helpful. Lots of good ones, but the one I think may be the most practical (and subtly spiritual) is Playful Parenting by Cohen. I gave it to a new parent friend some years ago and he thanked me profusely after putting it into practice. 

Brad

On Thu, Apr 7, 2022 at 2:07 PM Henriques, Gregg - henriqgx <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

Yes, here is the TOK Community presentation she made:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7X9GLNG0T0&list=PLTJe1xFfoxrBLGrv6Kh-iTdlKp2VX2-Lk&index=10


Best,
G

 

From: theory of knowledge society discussion <[log in to unmask]> On Behalf Of lee simplyquality.org
Sent: Thursday, April 7, 2022 2:05 PM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Resources for Parenting (especially Toddlers)

 

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Aydan,

We heard a great presentation by Darcia Narvaez of the Evolved Nest on parenting.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Lee Beaumont 



On Apr 7, 2022, at 2:00 PM, Henriques, Gregg - henriqgx <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

 

If you want to apply UTOK basics to the psychosocial processes associated with parenting:

 

First, the core relational need of kids (and people in general) is to be seen, known, and valued by important others (which, of course, for toddlers are their parents/primary care givers).

 

We can apply the lens of the Influence Matrix to attachment theory and understand that attachment theory’s “circle of security” is fundamentally about (a) effectively enacting the first principle re relational value (instead of trying to instrumentally influence or control their children, see here for difference) and (b) managing the autonomy dependency line in the parent-child relationship (i.e. the green line). That is, you want to afford a “secure base” where the child feels seen, known and valued and can return to if needing care, and from there they explore their environment with an increasing sense of agency. 

 

<image001.png>

 

On the flip side, following Baumrind, we generally want the parents to adopt the position of loving authority who provides clear reasons for what is happening and engages in active, dynamic participatory parenting. This “authoritative” stance is generally preferred to parenting that is too controlling (authoritarian), to giving and overly sensitive (permissive), or too distant or uninvolved (neglectful).  

 

We can also apply the lens of Erikson’s psychosocial development also via a Matrix lens to know that “basic trust” (relative to mistrust) is about being seen, known and valued and that autonomy (as opposed to shame and doubt) is about having the capacity for self-determination and mastery as an independent agent. As the toddler moves into young childhood (i.e., 3-6), there is a major shift in referent/focus from parents to peers.  

 

We can use BIT and JUST coupled to Vygotsky to understand that we want to cultivate the sweet spot of the zone of proximal development in the child’s agent arena interactions and we want to help the child internalize both the perspectives of others and the tools (i.e., rules and practices) that allow them to become effectively socialized into the Culture. Via Piaget/Vervaeke, we can track the child’s basic structure as developing from a sensory-motor animal to a pre-operational primate to a young person with concrete operational capacity that is engaging in a process of assimilation and accommodation/recursive relevance realization in an attempt to develop an optimal grip on the agent arena relationship. Also note that we hope that parents are able to operate at the formal, full Culture-Person level, but kids have trouble understanding that level of abstraction and so parents to best if they can empathize with the core sense making structure of their children and operate within the zone of proximal development. It is, of course, adolescence, that is the time of transition into the full Culture-Person formal operator.

 

From a family systems perspective, all of this should take place in an environment where the adults model Curiosity, Acceptance, Loving Compassion and Motivation toward adaptive/valued states of being, and become psychologically reflective rather than mindlessly/defensively reactive when negative events activate negative feelings (i.e., instead of triple negative neurotic looping, adults in the child’s environment turn on the CALM MO flashlight). In addition, hopefully these family systems would further be nested in relations across the socio-ecological spectrum that allow for the general, sustainable enhancement of dignity and well-being with integrity.

 

Best,
Gregg 

 

From: theory of knowledge society discussion <[log in to unmask]> On Behalf Of Ari Delashmutt
Sent: Thursday, April 7, 2022 11:35 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Re: Resources for Parenting (especially Toddlers)

 

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Not sure im educated or if these are a metamodern take but i do like this subject. My recommendations would be, in order,

 

Nonviolent communication- Rosenberg 

Punished by reward - alfie kohn (maybe also his ‘unconditional parenting’)

No bad kids , toddler discipline without shame - female author can’t remember her name now

Hunt Gather Parent - a popular one in my hood, some cool ideas 

Jordan hall and I also discussed parenting on my podcast, and i appreciated his take. Ari in the Air

 

Hope that’s helpful. Happy parenting.

 

On Thu, Apr 7, 2022 at 8:17 AM Aydan Connor <[log in to unmask]> wrote:

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Hello All,

 

Are there parenting and/or child development books/resources out there that you fine, more educated people here might recommend? I’d be curious if there’s a metamodern take on the subject that might be useful to a parent of a toddler (I.e. me ;) ). I have developed a high level of skepticism about the quality of what is out there, and could use reliable, practical advice. I’m not scared off by spiritual perspectives as well.

 

With Gratitude,

Aydan

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Kenneth Barish, Ph.D.
Clinical Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry
Weill Cornell Medical College
www.kennethbarish.com

How to Be a Better Child Therapist: An Integrative Model for Therapeutic Change (W. W. Norton, 2018)

Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child's Emotions and Solving Family Problems (Oxford University Press, 2012)

Winner, 2013 International Book Award, Parenting and Family
Winner, 2013 Eric Hoffer Book Award, Home Category
Finalist, 2013 USA Best Book Awards, Parenting and Family
2013 Mom's Choice Awards, Gold Winner
2013 National Parenting Publications Awards, Silver Winner
2012 Book of the Year Award Bronze Prize, Family and Relationships

914-949-0339




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--
Alexis (Ali) Kenny, PsyD, LP
Staff Psychologist
phone: 406.540.3411
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